I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
