My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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