Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
no, he came in my armpit
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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