Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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