She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
