So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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