Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
