Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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