Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
