Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
