Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
