I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
