just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
