I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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