new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize