allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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