If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
