Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
