"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
