I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Apparently you make a good broom.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
