My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
