Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
