I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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