She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Woke up backwards on a recliner
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
