remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
