Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
