you're like a bully in the Christmas story
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
