i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
