I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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