dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize