I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
