I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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