My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
