if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
