I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
