You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
