so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
