I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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