I CAN MOONWALK!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
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