I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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