So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
