Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
