I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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