i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Never let your siblings swipe right.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
