I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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