just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
