i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
