do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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