Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
