the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
