After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
