Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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