Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
