I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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