I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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