Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
