I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
