Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize