I seem to have left my pride at pride
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
