I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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