For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
