Where did you get a picture of my penis
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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