So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
